The world sleeps.
Turns and tosses in a violent dream.
Clammy grey hands. Cold hearts. That still beat. Drooping. Rotting. Flesh.
I am awake. So is my brother Chris.
He is all I have left. We are all the world has left.
The house is dark. Dreary. The yellow wallpaper peels from years of neglect.
This is not the house I grew up in. It is not a home now.
There is a loud clanging outside the heavily bolted door that rings through windows, clumsily reinforced with wooden planks.
I open the door cautiously. A new neighbor. Making far too much noise for this time of night. An over-weight middle aged woman in a red and white polka dotted night gown.
I tell her to shut the fuck up.
Dark shadows approach rapidly from the horizon.
An unending pack of dogs. Ravenous with hunger. Diseased. Shedding uncontrollably. Jaws dripping with blood. Eyes yellowed.
I rush back inside. Christ strolls casually.
I beckon him forward. Screaming. Hurrying.
And yet. He strolls casually. A wry smile on his face. Shadows bearing down on us.
The door splinters open. And we are overwhelmed.
He didn’t want this world.
It’s not our world anymore.
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Following the massive success of ‘The Hunger Games’ movie (not the book, which had no success because it’s a book) and because people like to do the same thing over and over again to make money, a new block buster is in the making.
So movie goers should be avidly anticipating the Fall 2012 box office release of the ‘Thirst Games.’
Early trailers show that the movie is most likely a poor recreation of the Hunger Games with mass amounts of product placement, seeing as it is sponsored entirely by Gatorade and funded by Pepsi Co. Clips from the trailer suggest that the entire movie is just people working out, yelling and dripping sweat. Several clips have an athlete hanging their head then looking up intimidatingly.
So who will star in The Thirst Games? Soft drink stars such as the 7-Up Guy, who claims his name is Orlando Jones and that he has done other important roles. His history on MadTV shows otherwise. Opposite of 7-Up Guy is Cam Newton, whose portrayal of a man who didn’t want to be in this movie was so moving that it earned a him role. The Hawaiin Punch Guy shines in a supporting role as well as a bottle of Gatorade played by Samuel L. Jackson.
So come Fall 2012, expect the Thirst Games to shatter all box office records and become the largest product placement movie of all time. Powerade is not expected to make a similar push. They have no money. And All Sport is no longer a sports drink, but a key element in rat poisons and hair removal products.
Following a tough overtime loss to the New York Rangers, Washington D.C. native Dustin Graham can’t help but feel entirely responsible for the Cap’s mishaps. A late game seat switch proved an awful strategic move that caused a defensive miscommunication resulting in a Rangers goal.
Graham, a 34 year old employee at Staples, has had a very successful season leading the Capitals to a 42-32-8 record. And while a dedicated and hard working viewer, openly pinned last night’s loss on himself.
“There are just no words for the feeling. I let my teammates down. I let my fans down.” Graham says.
Replay reviews show that Graham did not eat his usual gameday breakfast of Honey Bunches of Oats and whole milk and instead substituted 2%. The move opening a gaping hole in the Capital’s defense.
“You can’t just blame a loss on one guy. We all did our part and unfortunately we put ourselves in a situation where Dustin’s seat change was able to affect the outcome of the game” Washington captain Alexander Ovechkin adds.
Graham has had a steady season up to this point, showing lots of growth in his channel flipping and bathroom break timing. His unwashed socks spurred a four game win streak by Washington in March.
“It’s a shame. I still can’t believe it. Changing seats in the third period seemed like the right move. But hey, everybody’s wrong sometimes.”
With a desperate game 6 looming, Graham assures fans in a recent press conference that he will not be changing seats anytime soon. The unused arm chair in the corner declines to comment.
With the 2012 Summer Olympics approaching, literally millions of American’s are anticipating watching something else after it is over. However, a shocking new turn of events puts the U.S.A. basketball team as an underdog despite winning and somehow finishing second, third and fourth in every tournament they have entered.
In an effort to preserve players’ nationality and genealogical pride, each African nation will be reclaiming any American born player of African American decent. A massive league-wide investigation has launched led by Derek Fisher and ancestry.com to determine where each black player’s family originally came from. Fisher decided to head the project because of all his free time between bringing the ball up the court and the second time he touches the ball. Fisher denies claims that he has no friends.
Stars such as Kobe Bryant, Lebron James and any other dark skinned player with a strange first name that was made up by their parents will be flying the colors of a different flag on their jersey come this summer.
That being said, the favorite to win the Summer Olympics basketball tournament is Nigeria, who just received the countries first basketball six weeks ago courtesy of Unicef. Granted it was a coconut wrapped in palm leaves, but a basketball nonetheless. With the acquisitions of Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose and Jason Williams (now nicknamed ‘Black Chocolate’) a practice court was constructed on a dusty road, being the only somewhat constructed foundation.
Rose comments, “It sucks that we have to stop practice when a car comes. But nobody has a car so it’s not so bad.”
So what will come of the U.S. team? America was allowed to enlist American born players of European descent on the grounds that they could not find any Native Americans.
Future plans to incorporate a Pangaea team to represent the world as a whole have yet to come to fruition.
After 16 years in the NFL, Brian Dawkins has decided to call it quits. But at the tender age of 38 his retirement was not due to his deteriorating physical condition, but rather to follow his lifelong calling of fighting crime. It was announced Monday in a press conference, in which Dawkins did not attend. However he did leave his insignia carved into an NFL official.
Dawkin’s new alter ego has yet to be publicly named. However speculations have been made on possible outcomes based off pop culture references. Dawkins may be operating under guises such as “Black Dawk Down”, “Dawk Dawk Redemption”, “The Badonk-a-dawk” or “Dawk if your Horny.” In his NFL career he did earn the nickname “The Wolverine”, but has yet to purchase the rights to that name from Marvel Comics.
When news spread, not only were NFL players not surprised, but thought he was a crime fighter all along posing as a mild mannered NFL free safety.
Dawkins’ crime fighting propensity was first realized after his flying batman tackle on former Giants wide receiver Tim Carter. We asked Carter what he thought about Dawkins’ assimilation into the super-hero realm only to find that he had been dead ever since that tackle. There are no witnesses but all suspicions point to George Zimmerman.
“B Dawk was always rockin a cape in the locker room, on the sidelines, in the showers. We all thought he was retarded.” Former Eagles teammate and fellow “Brian Club” member, Brian Westbrook comments.
Dawkins, however, is not the first NFL player to attempt making the jump into belly of the criminal underworld. The plan of covertly capturing Osama bin Laden was thwarted when renegade Pat Tillman was shot by U.S. Marines thinking he was a flying terrorist gorilla man. Needless to Pat “Killman” Tillman’s decision to don middle eastern attire for a costume was a poor choice.
That’s right. NFL Commissioner / Dictator of Libya Roger Goodell dishes out another heavy handed sentence, beating mercilessly the woman that the national football league has become. Already suspended for a full season after minimal involvement in an insignificant scandal, New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton now is under house arrest… In Roger Goodell’s house.
The dungeon, originally built to house the Oakland Raiders in between games, now serves as Goodell’s personal holding chamber to incarcerate any individual under his authority. That being said, Payton’s cell is at the end of an eight block hallway, passing Michael Vick, Chris Henry’s dead body and a masturbating Chad Ocho-Cinco.
Through interviewing the inmates, many speak of unnecessary violence and physical abuse by the guards. All of which are Roger Goodell with different combinations of hats and moustaches. New York Jets CB Antonio Cromartie lost the ability to read and use condoms from the abuse he suffered while under Goodell’s watch.
When asked has anyone died in here? Goodell responds, “Died? Nobody has ever died here. Been killed? Now that’s a different story.”
Goodell’s dungeon is just another physical manifestation of his Asian father like approach to professional sports.
“I don’t like it here. James Harrison screams in his sleep” Payton weeps through his muzzle.
Following a string of losses attributing mainly to failed corner kick defense and a leaguewide dilution of talent, the MLS’ New York Redbulls signed Goalkeeper Johnny Rough Hands in an effort to right the ship and rectify a regrettable season.
Despite having no previous soccer experience, Johnny Rough Hands was given the starting job. Redbulls coach Hans Backe said, “His background in fist pumping gives us a major leg up in corner kick situations.”
Former Gillete Spokesface / MLS star Thierry Henry adds, “He doesn’t shut the fuck up. He’s loud as shit. That’s exactly what a goalie needs to be.” But can he play? “….He punches like a mother fucker.”
Johnny Rough Hands’ instant rise to success could be the start of a new goal keeping trend throughout the MLS. The Chicago Fire have already signed a New Jersey resident who simply goes by the name of ‘Juice’ this past February. Juice’s contract earns him a healthy million dollars a game, despite showing any signs of talent or human decency.
The outcome of these radical moves is indeterminable at this point. But what we do know, success or failure nobody cares? It’s the MLS.
In an interview following their NCAA championship victory, Kentucky’s freshman phenom Anthony Davis was asked about his unique eye moustache. Contrary to many common theories, Anthony Davis was not growing a playoff uni-brow. Davis also denied notions that he is a herculean demigod who is only mortal if his eyebrow is shaved off.
“There are kids all across America who don’t have eyebrows, who can’t afford rich white people eyebrows like Drake.”
Davis has been a part of Locks for Love since junior high school. His generous donations have been distributed across the continent, most of which going to Charlie Villanueva who has missed most of the 2011-2012 NBA season due to ACL injuries (Acute Colds to the Lower-forehead).
“These eyebrows have done a lot of good for the charity. But they don’t compare to the other one I’ve got goin’ on.”
Davis is also a proud donor to ‘Cock Locks for Love.’
Part time baseball player / board game tycoon Milton Bradley had to recall his most recent product. Despite much anticipation and fan support, ‘Saw the Board Game’ was pulled from retail store shelves all across America. The game is tightly based off the Saw movie series with gameplay themed around one player inflicting tortuous injuries on the other players. But the horrific acts of violence and escalating murder rates weren’t the cause of the game’s recall.
One customer complains, “The games just keep coming. My family just played Saw III the Board Game, now Saw V the Board Game is out? I can’t get anymore bloodstains on my carpet.” Customers were disapproving of the sheer amount of Saw board games being produced as well as the declining quality of the game that has become repetitive and storyless. Mitch Collison adds, “I haven’t been this disappointed in a board game since The Matrix: Reloaded: The Board Game came out. It was way too long and nothing happened.”
Saw’s recall marks a history of several unsuccessful forays into the board game world by movie studios, following suit of such games as Armored, in which every number rolled on the die means you hide in the truck. And ‘From Justin to Kelly: Sing Along Gay Bash’, who’s title speaks for itself.
Vertigo Entertainment is expected to make another attempt with their board game based around Taylor Lautner’s new movie titled ‘I don’t have a lisp: I’m a tough guy.’
Former NBA player? and U.S. President Barack Obama completed his annual NCAA March Madness Tournament bracket a week ago. Following suit, several other world leaders gave their input in the friendly competition. Despite a mutual disinterest, Danish Prime Minister / breakfast pastry, Helle Thorning-Schmidt gave his picks along with the World Cup octopus, who is now the Prime Minister of Libya.
Korean Dictator / Dick, Kim Jong Un also entered his picks into an office pool with his coworkers. Astoundingly he has predicted the entire tournament correctly up until this point. This is coming just a few days after bowling his fourth consecutive 300 game and breaking the .400 batting average barrier in Major League Baseball, capping off an eventful week that began with him inventing the Guiness Book of World Records (making him the holder of the ultimate record). Needless to say, Un is winning his office pool and will most likely emerge with the $45 of winnings, which will translate into enough yen to buy seven grains of rice, a pencil with no lead or twelve days of underprivileged Asian hard labor. Un’s bracket stands as the only perfect one in the world.
In unrelated news, 17 Korean government officials have gone missing. They are presumed dead.
In effort to protect their new investment, Denver Broncos general management has declined to add Peyton Manning’s neck to the roster despite signing the rest of his body.
Manning’s neck underwent several operations throughout the 2011-2012 season. It is unsure whether his neck is healthy enough to survive and entire NFL season expecially with a division containing the Oakland Raiders who cut their roster and replaced it with prison inmates just a few ears ago; the San Diego Chargers whose starting quarter back has played through a continuous shoulder injury for 17 years and; and the Kansas City Chieifs whose existence alone requires no further ridicule.
With the future of Manning’s neck health indeterminable, the only way to keep Manning’s neck healthy (and Manning in general) is to only allow a neck-less Manning on the field. No neck, no injury.
But that brings about the issue of head movement. “Without a neck, its real hard to move your head” one doctor assesses. There were talks about scraping now-backup Tim Tebow for parts, more specifically his neck. Those reports were denied after NFL scouting reports showed Tebow had and overactive neck saying “Tebow’s inability to find open receivers results in constant neck movement.” Medical research shows Tebow’s neck is irreparably damaged and incapable of focusing on a single point, making NFL quarterbacking incredulously difficult.
So as training camp nears, Peyton Manning’s head leg holds many decisions up in the air. Will he come to camp looking like a no necked roid wrestler? Or a two person medical abomination with Tim Tebow’s neck switched in for Manning’s?
When asked what he would do, former quarterback Brett Favre responded, “I hope he dies. He’s getting more attention than me.”
M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). An organization that shows how powerful women can be when they come together and complain. Responsible for saving many lives and killing the buzz of countless prom nights. After 32 years in existence, M.A.D.D. has been forced into disbanding after Congress’ passing of a new nation-wide driving law.
Rather than banning drunk driving, Congress’ new bill will enforce DMVs to issue drunk driving training. In such training, hopeful youths will be subjected to mass alcohol consumption and put through a rigorous driving course. Once passed, drivers will receive a new ‘drunk driving’ license. Unlike the minor license that is printed horizontally or the adult license that is printed vertically, the ‘drunk’ license will be printed at a skewed 45 degree angle so it is easily readable by an intoxicated driver, whose vision is equally distorted.
When asked why not just use drunk goggles? Congressman Gene L. Bullock responded, “Drunk goggles don’t make women look better or make sex feel better” obviously not relating the question to drunk driving. Jonathan Davies added, “Kids are always going to drive drunk. C’mon. Everybody’s doing it. It’s cool.”
With drunk drivers no longer the most dangerous people on the road, former M.A.D.D. members focused on the new number to threat on the road and reconvened to form M.A.M.D. (Mothers Against Mothers Driving) forcing them to change their previous slogan “When you’re drunk, you’re the only driver worse than a woman.”
With elections coming up fast, underachieving government officials are beginning to focus on unimportant tasks. Congress has decided to increase awareness of preservation of natural forests and issued a heavy country-wide crackdown of any and all beaver activity.
The beavers were given several warning notices and have failed to change their behavior, resulting in hundreds of beaver related arrests. The beavers declined to comment.